Oh No
by Fairady
Summary: Dana really wishes she'd remembered to close her laptop.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own these characters not, and make zero money off of this. Really wouldn't mind shelling out my own cash for a replica of some of the clothing though.

Warnings: Crack, and my humor.

Notes: So, some poor anon on the kink meme got her porn art discovered by her mother. Awkward. But hey, it's something we've all either been through or been close enough to that we can all sympathize.

Oh, Crap!  
by Fairady

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_Oh, crap_. Dana wanted to die. Just die and completely cease to exist. Get shot by the military or even bombed! Yeah, bombed would be a good way to die. It'd destroy her, the safe house, and the laptop in one fiery swoop. Preferably before her brother stopped staring at said laptop and the damning evidence in the open tab.

_Oh, fuck!_ She must have made a sound because Alex spun around quickly, eyes narrowed and body tense like when he'd killed- Dana swallowed and reminded herself that Alex was her _brother_. Her brother who was relaxing. Her brother who was turning back to the laptop -and the graphic pornographic picture she'd spent most of the day working on- with a confused look on his face. Shit.

He was going to ask. She could see the question coming, the gears in his head turning as he tried to figure out how the hell to ask what was going on.

_Come on, girl, don't panic. You've gotten yourself out of worse situations before._ She had, and usually situations like this were what Dana lived for. The rush of having talked herself out of one impossible bind or another was exhilarating. She was almost an expert at it, and usually would have been able to think up some reasonable sounding explanation in half the time she'd spent panicking. There was just something about having her own brother find her secret art of _him_ being gang banged by a bunch of soldiers that made all of her normal confidence curl up in a corner of her mind and whimper. With no other choice left to her, she did what came natural.

She lied through her fucking teeth.

"The internet is full of sickos," Dana blurted out, hoping like hell that her poker face was now good enough to slide this one past Alex. She'd never managed it before, but she'd also never had quite this much incentive to do it. She stepped into the room leaving the bathroom door open as she casually walked up to the laptop. "Toilet's free if you need to vomit, I'm already done."

Just as casually she reached around Alex and closed the tab. Hours of unsaved work gone, but for once she didn't mind. She never wanted to see that picture again.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own these characters not, and make zero money off of this. Really wouldn't mind shelling out my own cash for a replica of some of the clothing though.

Warnings: Crack, and my humor.

Notes: And then, Anon said it was a paper drawing and I winced in pure sympathy.

Oh, Fuck!  
by Fairady

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Dana will never fully understand the compulsion that made her do it again. In her defense, she was bored! Alex hadn't stopped by in days, her latest research project was done, and there was absolutely nothing interesting on tv. She didn't need the minute by minute reports on the "situation" in Manhattan thank you _very_ much. Faced with the vapid heads repeating the same thing over and over could she be blamed for doing something to keep her mind from committing ritual suicide?

Well, from the look on Alex's face he could blame her. It was the same picture he'd seen before with the addition of Captain Cross, the only Blackwatch soldier she'd been able to find reference photos for.

Fuck, she couldn't even deny or side step it this time. It was on _paper_. It was on paper on her desk. With the gel pens shed specifically made Alex go out and find for her a few days ago. The ones he'd spent the entire day getting wrong until he'd finally gotten fed up and brought back the entire contents of an office supply store for _her_ to look through.

Yeah, there was no avoiding this one. Dana stepped out of the bathroom and wondered if it'd help if she just stopped drinking so much iced tea. It'd give Alex fewer chances to find stuff at the least. Ideas flew through her head as she watched Alex's eyes slowly slide towards her in a way that was too creepy to not be intentional.

She couldn't claim it was a joke, Alex didn't have a sense of humor. The old squick contest excuse only worked when she had the chance of seeing other people, or if the guy was particularly dense. Neither of which, sadly, applied now. Anatomy practice worked only when no one recognized who she was drawing. She could always just fall over and pretend to be dead until he left. Or say that she was dead at the time. Dana mentally smacked her increasingly frantic thoughts. _No! Eddie Izzard won't help here, Dana._

"Um, hey Alex. How's it going?" Stalling was a perfectly acceptable tactic.

"Dana," Alex turned, holding the drawing out toward her. The look on his face one that she couldn't quite decipher. "Dana, what the hell?"

"Where've _you_ been?" Extended stalling, however, was a sign of desperation. Dana ran through her options again, disappointed that faking death was still the best looking one. She started flipping through a pile of print outs, not looking at her brother or the drawing he still held out to her. "I got what you wanted already and it's boring waiting around here."

"Dana."

It was so unfair that Alex _still_ had the Parent Voice, and that it was as effective now as when she was eight. Dana reluctantly looked up.

"You did this," Alex stated the question.

_Fuck._ Stalling, denying, and avoiding simply weren't working. Time to go with her last, desperate tactic. Dana took a deep breath and met her brother's eyes, "Well, yeah. Why else would it be here?"

He stared at her visibly confused, "Why!"

"Look, Alex," she reached out and grabbed the paper away. Not caring that it ripped under her nails. "How about we make a deal? You don't ask questions about this and I guarantee you won't see another one again," Alex took a breath to ask. She just knew he was going to ask and she cut him off quickly, "Alex. Do you _really_ want to know why?"

Alex went utterly still. His eyes became unfocused and he seemed to be almost listening to something for a second. Dana watched as his face contorted into a pained grimace as he shook his head, "No. No, I don't want to know. I don't want to know _anything_."

"Ok, this never happened," Dana tossed the drawing into the trash. She'd burn the damn thing later. After Alex left. "So, about that info you were asking about-"

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Alex didn't understand it, didn't want to really. Memories that weren't his provided an answer of sorts despite that. The strange compulsion to sexualize things, events, _people_. To fantasize about two men fucking each other.

_Slash. Yaoi. Shou-_

Alex shuddered at the images that accompanied the female thoughts. Big eyed girly-boys who cried as their true love raped them. Love plots so convoluted and cliched they made his head hurt at the stupidity of it. He forcefully pushed _that_ voice back, and swore he was never going to eat anyone who looked under twenty again.

The world was a big place that was full of strange and sick things. People were no exception. He was content to leave it at that and not think any further about those pictures.

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End file.
